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Outfield Completely Blanketed in Knackzoat After Winkler Man Makes Major Leagues

TAMPA BAY, FL The grounds crew had to work overtime to clean up all the knackzoat this week after Winkler man Tristan Peters made his Major League debut. “Half of Winkler was there, raining their sunflower shells down onto the field,” said grounds crew manager Dave Schmidt. “I usually tell people to spit them into an empty beer cup. But, yeah, with these folks that wasn’t an option” Moments after Peters got the call, the team ordered a naval flo…Read Article

Steinbach Streets Clogged at 9:30 AM on a Sunday

STEINBACH, MB There was a massive traffic jam on Steinbach streets this Sunday morning around 9:30 AM. Visitors, the Wiebes from Swift Current, have lodged a complaint about the level of traffic. “Oba, well what did they expect? Everyone knows that Sunday morning between 9:30 and 10:30 is rush hour!” said Steinbach resident Mr. Fehr. “I’m sure it’s that way in every town!” The Wiebes said they’d never seen anything like it and found the streets …Steinbach · Steinbach Read Article

New Jurassic Park Movie Climaxes with Explosive Debate in Morden Over Existence of Dinosaurs

MORDEN, MB In the new reboot of the Jurassic Park franchise, producers have decided to set the movie in Morden and include the most intimidating villain of all time, a group of zealous fundamenalists trying to convince everyone that dinosaurs never really existed. “The movie stars Scarlett Johansen as a Mordener desperately trying to defend Bruce the Mosasaur from the fundamentalists,” said screenwriter David Koop. “Things really come a head at …Morden, Manitoba · Morden Read Article

Mennonite Pastors Make Statement With ‘Pay Us What You Owe Us’ T-Shirts

ELKHART, IN Fed up with meagre salaries that barely pay the rent, Mennonite pastors across the nation have been sporting snazzy new T-shirts as a form of protest. “It’s bad enough he’s wearing such casual attire on Sunday morning,” said local churchgoer Dan Beachy. “But I see there’s even some writing on that thing.” The writing, according to witnesses, says “Pay us what you owe us,” a reference to the revenue-sharing deal the pastors signed wit…Elkhart, Indiana · Elkhart Read Article

Reluctant Steinbachers Lured into Winnipeg with Lower Gas Prices

WINNIPEG, MB This summer, the City of Winnipeg has been luring hesitant rural folks into the big city the only way they know how – knocking 20 cents off at the gas pump. “I feel it’s entrapment, to be honest,” said Frank Plett of Steinbach. “I’d normally never venture into the city, but I can’t pass up the opportunity to save a little on gas.” Plett says he goes 100 kilometres out of his way just to save on gas. “I know I’m not actually saving a…Winnipeg · Winnipeg Read Article

‘Jeopardy!’ Contestant Details Finally Getting on Show After 6-Year Wait

46% Left coverage: 11 sources

'Being on set was utterly surreal and incredible.'Webster County, Missouri · Webster County See the Story

Massive Art Heist Strikes Altona

ALTONA, MB It’s the biggest art heist in Canadian history as residents of Altona woke up this morning to discover their beloved giant Van Gogh had vanished. “I’m guessing it was the Funk boys with their F-150,” said Mr. Friesen. “They’re the only ones who stay up late enough and also have a big enough truck.” The town was shocked at the news, though for some it was no surprise. “That’s what happens when you leave valuable art like that out there…Altona · Altona Read Article

Mennonite Man Discovers New Use for Ketchup

NEUBERGTHAL, MB After 300 consecutive days consuming his glums vereniki with nothin but Taunte Lina’s schmaunt fat, area man Dave Kroeker, 41, decided to reach into the fridge for the French’s ketchup. “I don’t know what came over me, but the schmaunt fat just wasn’t cutting it,” said Kroeker. “There were plenty of other options within reach–vinegar, golden syrup, tap water–but ultimately I figured the ketchup would be the best.” And boy was he …Manitoba · Manitoba Read Article

Winnipeg Woman Denied Entry to Folk Festival for Failing to Wear Blundstones

WINNIPEG, MB Area woman Samantha Kroeker, 38, was really looking forward to seeing Mavis Staples at Folk Fest this evening, but had to go back to Altona with her tail between her legs after she forgot to wear her Blundstones. “I thought Birks would do the trick, but it turns out they have a strict Blundstone policy,” said Kroeker. “I guess I learned y lesson the hard way. Always read the fine print.” Kroeker says her backpack was carefully inspe…Winnipeg · Winnipeg Read Article

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Top [SATIRE] The Unger Review News

Mennonites Gather in Steinbach for Annual Meeting of Double Cousins

Chappell Roan to Settle Down in Modest Swift Current Bungalow

Outfield Completely Blanketed in Knackzoat After Winkler Man Makes Major Leagues

Steinbach Streets Clogged at 9:30 AM on a Sunday

New Jurassic Park Movie Climaxes with Explosive Debate in Morden Over Existence of Dinosaurs

Mennonite Pastors Make Statement With ‘Pay Us What You Owe Us’ T-Shirts

Reluctant Steinbachers Lured into Winnipeg with Lower Gas Prices

‘Jeopardy!’ Contestant Details Finally Getting on Show After 6-Year Wait

Massive Art Heist Strikes Altona

Mennonite Man Discovers New Use for Ketchup

Winnipeg Woman Denied Entry to Folk Festival for Failing to Wear Blundstones

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Steinbach Streets Clogged at 9:30 AM on a Sunday

New Jurassic Park Movie Climaxes with Explosive Debate in Morden Over Existence of Dinosaurs

Mennonite Pastors Make Statement With ‘Pay Us What You Owe Us’ T-Shirts

Reluctant Steinbachers Lured into Winnipeg with Lower Gas Prices

‘Jeopardy!’ Contestant Details Finally Getting on Show After 6-Year Wait

Massive Art Heist Strikes Altona

Mennonite Man Discovers New Use for Ketchup

Winnipeg Woman Denied Entry to Folk Festival for Failing to Wear Blundstones