Alas, a dreadful malady hath crept across the fair bounds of Red Wing! The self-styled "progressives" of our day, drunk on the heady wine of municipal meddling, bring unto our tranquil village nought but ruin disguised as reform. These modern-day agitators wander our streets with lofty, nonsensical platitudes. They propose to cure the common inconveniences of mortal life by casting the hard-earned coin of the yeoman into bottomless wells of bure…